Buckle up bitches…I’m in a mood. I haven’t been writing, really haven’t been painting much that I approved of lately either. In fact, the entire month of October has been pretty much a shit storm of self-condemnation, self-loathing, rejection, abandonment. I’ve been dismissed from my un-relationship, told by some yoga studios my mandalas need to go as they need a “fresh look” as they are “re-branding” and a trusted friend excluded me from an event that she needed to borrow a chair for, but couldn’t find room to invite me.
Whoa, honey! I learned in 2015, in a college class titled “Creating College Success” (which I did not) that either one is in a “victim mindset” or a “creator mindset”. It came as a huge shock to me that my behaviors indicate a victim mindset, especially since I consider myself a creator.
Yet, now I find my relationships where I am not valued (my un-relationship, the yoga studios, my friend) dissolving…can it be for the purpose of creating new relationships wherein I AM valued? Am I willing to let go of the scraps I have been receiving and demand more? Yes.
Enter the raven.
It was months ago really, that on a walk (with my un-relationship friend), I saw five ravens. Then shortly after, one in the aleppo pine in my back yard…exciting, I thought! A harbinger of change!
The raven proved challenging to paint. A dear friend described the raven as being able to bring one the magic to create illusion, “the raven can help you create yourself as you wish to be seen” she said.
All the while, I felt I was slogging through mud. My worst fears; dementia, losing my sight and my ability to communicate seemed to be realizing…then the feeling that I had become unnecessary, easy to replace, irrelevant, useless. Feelings of complete inadequacy, unworthiness, ineptitude, I felt I was drowning in all of it.
“Take the raven into your bedroom” she said, “Listen to what the raven has to say.”
That and listening to Lee Harris’s MP3 “activate Your Self Worth” have shifted things pretty remarkably. I know we are all going through immense amounts of stuff. Ancient wounds present for healing, for us and potentially everyone. For those lucky enough to be aware, there is introspection. For the others, there is blame, externalizing, anger and even rage, these are challenging times, but filled with opportunity.
My recommendation? Find a soothing place in nature, pay attention to what and who show(s) up, and ask “What say you?”