I loved having the answers. From the time I was a young student in grammar school, it was exciting to be called on and hear the teacher say, “That’s correct!” It felt so gratifying and affirming to know, to be right.
As I grew successively into the roles of employee, artist, wife, mother, friend and confidant, it was a source of satisfaction for me that people in my life often came to me for guidance in times of trouble. Knowing who I was, what to do, and be able to offer help to others gave me a sense of purpose.
The shift began in 2000 and everything changed. My marriage failed, my creative expression evolved and became more challenging, relationships crumbled, my confidence eroded rapidly. I began my quest in earnest for healing, a deeper spiritual connection, essentially to find out what was “wrong” with me.
In the 20 years that followed, my life has undergone, shall we say, a heavy remodel, basically, demolition to the very foundation. I have (erroneously) viewed this less often as an opportunity and more as tragic loss after loss. Creating mandalas, such as “More Questions Than Answers, Not Simply Black and White”, (from 2016!) has been one way to make peace with this experience.
It has been suggested to me that it is time to begin teaching. My response is that I feel more in the space of not knowing, without the answers that I assume everyone is seeking.
A friend offered…“What if you invited people into your process and let them see your search?”
This syncs up perfectly with the vulnerability practice I have been studying. It never occurred to me that I could be of value to others as I “sit with the unanswered questions”, which to me seems about as comfortable as letting a large spider crawl slowly up my arm.
Reflecting on this, it makes perfect sense. These are times of unparalleled transformation and change. I am simply one of the collective who is being called upon to question everything, feel the discomfort of the unknown, and take courageous and confident steps into the unseen future, trusting fully in benevolent collaboration with the Divine.
It is time to reawaken to a greater truth, access the eternal part of us that knows on the deepest level. How brilliant that we can encourage each other by being authentic and vulnerable along the way, offering presence instead of answers.