I’m retreating to the relative anonymity of my blog, after guest writing for Charles and the Storm Wisdom blog, last week and again this week.
I felt pretty confident about last week’s post, “More Questions Than Answers” and admit to having some high hopes for affirmation of my spectacular writing skills, more fans for my blog, your pretty basic delusions of grandeur. Starry-eyed indeed.
The pressure I feel writing this week’s post (for Storm Wisdom) seems extraordinarily high, I have postulated, pondered and pouted. The post is written, I have edited it twice, the accompanying mandala has been produced and waits for its cue. What changes the experience so dramatically for me when I imagine the audience is more vast? Am I less willing to be authentic? (No)…Vulnerable? (Maybe)…More worried about judgment and rejection? (Definitely)!
Oh, the vanity!
So last night I’m sitting in class (Computer Graphics 101) and waiting for the instructor to come my way and explain to me why I can’t make Photoshop obey me with the ease and dexterity he demonstrates. I can’t move forward so I reach for my notebook and begin to doodle. Oh, the relief when I see something flow forth from my pen, no matter how humble. The star is prominent, eye shapes surround, and something like a checkerboard top hat shows up, a visual expression of “Starry-Eyed”. The instructor reaches my station, swiftly resolves my Photoshop dilemma, and the crisis passes.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to express, through doodles and scribbles, through rambling thoughts and heartfelt rants. I don’t know how I would make it through without these gifts. I’m thankful to you, my intimate and tolerant audience, for the privilege of authentic, vulnerable, judgment-free disclosure. Thank you and goodnight.