Things were going along really well until early July (3rd) when I blithely and boldly began the “Heart and Soul Mandala”. I had come out of (yet another) dark night of the soul and was feeling a new resilience. The mandala flowed easily and progress came quickly.
On July 5th, my next door neighbor and dear friend (expecting her first child in December) died suddenly, leaving her devastated husband to deal with the aftermath. I felt plunged back into a reservoir of grief, which I thought I had made headway in emptying. My optimism faded, a familiar darkness crept back in and took hold. I made it through the funeral, and through the “Heart” portion of the mandala, but I guess rendering “Soul” is above my skill set at this time.
I have been unable to make any headway, and do not have any idea how to complete the painting. In addition, the feelings of sadness, self-doubt, confusion and fear rumble through at unexpected times like aftershocks. Once again I question my validity and usefulness as an artist in the present world.
There was a time when I felt solid in my belief that the mandalas were channeled material, that I was serving a positive purpose by bringing these energies forth in visual form. My guidance felt more direct and I resonated deeply with the messages.
In contrast, now it seems more like feeling around in the dark, painting just to keep the flow of creative energy moving, unsure what the message is. Was I fooling myself to believe my art serves a purpose? What is the message of the most recent piece “Perpetual Motion”? Other than the thought that perpetual motion eliminates the entrance to the desired “stillness” state, I have no idea.
Can I give myself the permission to create when the only recognized purpose is self-preservation? Do the artworks created, the words written still have value even when they are not seen or read? Will I return to trusting the higher perspective, which finds purpose in all things, even the death of an absolutely radiant being and her unborn son? I hope the answer will be” yes”.