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Recalculating

“So…What Now?”

It has been six months since the concept of the “Guidance Mandala” was born, and three months since it began to take shape on paper.  There are copious journal entries and no less than fourteen small mandalas have been completed, including “So…What Now?”, expressing my frustration with not being able to move forward, but the “Guidance Mandala” remains unfinished and I find it difficult to express how troubling this is.

Reminded by wise counsel, “Being at ease with not knowing is crucial for the answers to come to you..” (Eckhart Tolle), I temporarily make peace with the situation, but then quickly return to the discomfort of not knowing my direction, and the urgent need for the next logical steps to be made known to me.  This is, of course, not just applicable to the mandala, but life in general.  Life as it was has dissolved and a new life is waiting for me to step forward, the trouble is, I keep waiting for direction that does not seem to come.  The mandala is simply a constant, visible reminder that I don’t know what to do.

Another wise sage, (Charles McAlpine, Storm Wisdom) suggested to me that I, like he, may be a mapmaker, assigned to the task of charting new courses, and so, not knowing where to go is natural and quite fitting.  I had another moment of relief before realizing that I don’t want the assignment of mapmaker, I feel a great deal more comfortable knowing where I am going and feel terrified when I judge myself to be “lost”.  Ironically, at a meditation a few weeks ago, I randomly drew this card from a deck, adding credibility to Charles’s postulation.

Mapmaker Card

Mapmaker Card

The little mandala, “So…What Now?”, gives visual expression to my angst.  It starts in the center with question marks, and the conflict is evident in both the angles/curves and the complementary color palette.  Everything is equal prominence, there is no clear dominance and this makes the  painting visually unsettling.  The “SO” is seen on the edge of the piece, challenging the viewer.

This is a “question without answers” post…I like to offer solutions, but currently find myself without them.  If you are struggling to find your way right now and feel directionless, at least you know you are not alone.

Filed under: Ebb and Flow, Healing Art, Loss, Mandalas

About the Author

Posted by

As a Phoenix native, Vikki Reed's vibrant watercolors of desert botanicals evolved from her love and appreciation of the desert's ability to produce tender beauty in the midst of harsh conditions. The mandala series which began in 2004 resurrects a childhood knowledge that mandalas are a primordial tool for centering and healing. Vikki studied in the 1980s with watercolor greats Irving Shapiro and Paul Kuo, and began exhibiting at the outdoor shows in Arizona, Nevada and New Mexico after Paul's encouragement. This led to gallery representation with the Wickenburg Gallery and Work of Artist's Gallery. Vikki also exhibited at the Celebration of Fine Art for eight years. Before taking sabbatical to act as caregiver for her father in 2010, Vikki was featured in a one woman show at the Northern Trust Bank in January 2008 and was selected to create an ornament for the White House Christmas Tree that same year. Vikki's current focus, the Mandala Series, combines ancient symbolism and the healing power of color.

7 Comments

  1. jane darrah

    Thank you for directing me to this, Vikki…I certainly can identify with all that you say…all is unfolding…layer by layer
    bit by bit…You are blessed to be a seeker…clarity is budding forth..
    I love your writings…thank you for being transparent and vulnerable….jane

  2. jane darrah

    Vikki..I have been thinking a lot about “Mapmaker”…and I have said this before and I will say it again..you have been blessed with the best gifts of each of your parents..and were they not both Mapmakers?? Keep on , keep on,,this hurting world needs YOU!

  3. Thanks Jane! I appreciate the high compliment and encouragement. In searching for material today for the “Guidance Mandala”, I found compass tattoos with the words…”Not all who wander are lost”. More confirmation.

  4. Pingback: Undeniable | Magical Mandalas

  5. Vulnerability will lead you where you are going… it is just not the way we normally get there. We think it is easier to pretend we know where we are and where we are going. The truth is we are always making it up as we go! Everyday you choose again to be a Mapmaker. You are brilliant in your humility. Any fear is wasting your resources. But this you know! Thanks for sharing this and for the kind acknowledgement… I am a huge fan!

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