This year has been a roller coaster, in part due to my expectation of certain outcomes, (such as my grief subsiding after the one year anniversary of my Dad’s passing). Instead, I felt plunged into even deeper abysses, (see “Surrender”).
Those wiser about grief know that putting time limits and restrictions on the process is foolhardy. I have simply become impatient with what I perceive as dysfunction and I’m anxious to move forward. This limited perspective overlooks the gifts that can be found in the depths, as the grace that waits within and beyond the grief is sweet indeed.
“Free to Be Me” is one of those gifts that came forward as I trudged through the creative block I feel with the “Guidance Mandala”, (ironic, huh?) Mid-February brought the idea, but nothing had presented visually in March when I entered the studio to begin, on the date of my Dad’s passing (March 7th). His bible is in my studio and I reached for it for solace. Opening it at random, I was astonished to see the passages he had underlined so many years ago, “Daughter, your faith has made you well” and “Do not fear, only believe”.
Perfect words coming to me at the most opportune time. But almost two more months pass before images take shape on the paper and I “hear” the following guidance…”Stop trying to make your new life fit within the same framework as your old life. Your old life is gone, let it go and stop telling the story of it. Let the new life begin…be, as it is, a new creation.”
Exciting and terrifying at the same time. I do not know what the new life will hold. “Free to Be Me” begins with a path in the center, leading to the mountain tops. There is a guiding star (yes folks, you HAVE seen that before), and figures (nine total, symbolizing completion) celebrating all around, waving the banners, flying the flags of freedom.
Meanwhile, I wait (impatiently) for direction.