I am not buried under rubble in Nepal, or homeless without food and water. I have not had to flee my war-torn country with my family in an unsafe water craft and face drowning in the Mediterranean. I am not black, living in a community where I fear the police instead of trusting them with my safety. My heart aches for all those involved and I realize my own suffering is dwarfed by comparison.
This week, however, by making a decision that I felt I had to make, I hurt some of the people I love most, putting our relationship in peril, and I am reeling from what feels like one loss too many. The past fifteen months have provided many opportunities to grieve; watching my beloved father decline and die from dementia, releasing the family home and most of the contents, losing the community of caregivers that had come to feel like family, the death of my beloved Miss Katie (canine best friend) and the closing of my gallery home of 23 years, with accompanying loss of income.
It is possible I did not grieve effectively though, as I now find myself in a pretty deep hole. My attempts to find ways to feel better are ineffective, I have prayed, pleaded, reached out to healers, lit candles, tapped (EFT), chanted, meditated and affirmed. A frightening possibility is coming to me…am I to stop the relief efforts and descend into the darkness to see what is on the other side of the pain? It is a terrifying prospect. David Hawkins, M.D., PhD. writes in “Letting Go” The Pathway of Surrender, “We surrender a feeling by allowing it be there without condemning, judging, or resisting it. We simply look at it, observe it, and allow it to be felt without trying to modify it. With the willingness to relinquish a feeling, it will run out in due time.”
Do I have the courage to follow this path? Is there relief on the horizon? Again from Dr. Hawkins, “Letting go is like the sudden cessation of an inner pressure or the dropping of a weight. It is accompanied by a sudden feeling of relief and lightness with an increased happiness and freedom.”
I hope to report the success of my efforts in a future post.