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“Surrender”

Surrender Mandala

Surrender Mandala

I am not buried under rubble in Nepal, or homeless without food and water.  I have not had to flee my war-torn country with my family in an unsafe water craft and face drowning in the Mediterranean.  I am not black, living in a community where I fear the police instead of trusting them with my safety.  My heart aches for all those involved and I realize my own suffering is dwarfed by comparison.

This week, however, by making a decision that I felt I had to make, I hurt some of the people I love most, putting our relationship in peril, and I am reeling from what feels like one loss too many.  The past fifteen months have provided many opportunities to grieve; watching my beloved father decline and die from dementia, releasing the family home and most of the contents, losing the community of caregivers that had come to feel like family, the death of my beloved Miss Katie (canine best friend) and the closing of my gallery home of 23 years, with accompanying loss of income.

It is possible I did not grieve effectively though, as I now find myself in a pretty deep hole.  My attempts to find ways to feel better are ineffective, I have prayed, pleaded, reached out to healers, lit candles, tapped (EFT), chanted, meditated and affirmed.  A frightening possibility is coming to me…am I to stop the relief efforts and descend into the darkness to see what is on the other side of the pain?  It is a terrifying prospect.  David Hawkins, M.D., PhD. writes in “Letting Go” The Pathway of Surrender, “We surrender a feeling by allowing it be there without condemning, judging, or resisting it.  We simply look at it, observe it, and allow it to be felt without trying to modify it.  With the willingness to relinquish a feeling, it will run out in due time.”

Do I have the courage to follow this path?  Is there relief on the horizon?  Again from Dr. Hawkins, “Letting go is like the sudden cessation of an inner pressure or the dropping of a weight.  It is accompanied by a sudden feeling of relief and lightness with an increased happiness and freedom.”

I hope to report the success of my efforts in a future post.

Filed under: Loss

About the Author

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As a Phoenix native, Vikki Reed's vibrant watercolors of desert botanicals evolved from her love and appreciation of the desert's ability to produce tender beauty in the midst of harsh conditions. The mandala series which began in 2004 resurrects a childhood knowledge that mandalas are a primordial tool for centering and healing. Vikki studied in the 1980s with watercolor greats Irving Shapiro and Paul Kuo, and began exhibiting at the outdoor shows in Arizona, Nevada and New Mexico after Paul's encouragement. This led to gallery representation with the Wickenburg Gallery and Work of Artist's Gallery. Vikki also exhibited at the Celebration of Fine Art for eight years. Before taking sabbatical to act as caregiver for her father in 2010, Vikki was featured in a one woman show at the Northern Trust Bank in January 2008 and was selected to create an ornament for the White House Christmas Tree that same year. Vikki's current focus, the Mandala Series, combines ancient symbolism and the healing power of color.

5 Comments

  1. I’m sorry you are feeling so low. I know you have had the weight of responsibilities on your shoulders for years. Responsibilities that have been given to you without you asking for them. Is there anything your brother can do to help?

    • Thanks Pat, you are helping me! I appreciate our chats and get so much from them. I’ll be okay, current events seem to have triggered a lot of feelings I must not have dealt with yet, blogging about it helped too!

  2. mostlymindfulmommy

    I think you’re on to something here 🙂 I can’t wait to hear how your journey progresses!

  3. Pingback: “Free to Be Me” | Magical Mandalas

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