This past week the care of my Dad (who has dementia) took an even greater toll on me. Awakened by a midnight call that he had fallen (again) two weeks ago has put me on high alert. Observing his decline over the course of the last three years, interspersed with periods of remarkable improvement has left me depleted and confused. Yesterday alone, I witnessed him in seizures three times, watching my brilliant, charming father lose all control of his body, mind and consciousness, mouth gaping, unseeing eyes open heavenward, chest barely rising with breath. It is imprinted in my DNA to want to help, make it better, it is excruciating to be so helpless. I always experience such relief when he returns to consciousness and smiles again, color returning to his eyes and face, but also knowing the reprieve is only temporary.
The pertinent question here really is not what I can do for him at this point (very little) but rather how I can navigate these rough seas. The struggle to change the situation is really what erodes my energy, drains my life force. The mandala I began (on his birthday this year, May 19th) holds the key to survival for me, “Choose Peace”.
As I wrote in the text, “there is a Divine Perfection in each moment of life, whether exquisitely joyful or unbearably painful, this we forget from our human perspective, but can remember as we take time to reconnect with our God Source, our non-physical, higher perspective selves”.
My salvation is found in choosing peace, the awareness that it is not mine to change the moment but to embrace it fully.